Anti-War Groups Protest Use Of Military Force In Florida

(This is a satire piece I wrote following the announcement that National Guard troops were being called out to guard areas damaged by Charley.)

In the wake of Hurricane Charley, anti-war protestors organized by left-wing groups such as Moveon.org are planning demonstrations in New York, Los Angeles, and other major U.S. cities. They plan to protest President Bush's decision to mobilize the National Guard to maintain order and help in the recovery effort in Florida.

"This is typical of the Bush administration's rush to use military force," said Ted Finklebacher, one of the protest organizers. "I mean, how do we even know there was a storm? The local weatherman gets it wrong all the time. Did the President even evaluate the intelligence before deciding to send young men and women from around the country into harm's way down in Florida?"

Political pundit and frequent Democrat campaign advisor James Carville echoed these concerns. "What you have here is a mad-dog president, drunk with power, ready to throw bullets at any problem. This is a local problem! A local problem! Why didn't we even attempt to fund groups in Florida to solve the problem themselves? I don't even think there was a hurricane to begin with! And hey, if there was a storm, maybe they liked it! We're forcing our anti-hurricane way of life on the innocent people of Florida by military force!"

While representatives of the Bush administration defended the move, noting at least 15 deaths and millions of dollars in damage, his political opponent criticized his plan. "This is what you get when you have a president who has never been in the heat of battle," said Democrat presidential nominee John Kerry, "I can tell you what it's like, being sent to a strange place and not knowing why. There was a storm once, too, it was really really windy. I saved 27 orphans in Da Nang when their quonset orphanage was about to be crushed by a palm tree hurled by the winds. Would you like to see the film footage? Have you seen my purple hearts yet?"

Kerry went on to promise that, were a major weather disaster to hit the country once he's elected, he would consult with United Nations meteorologists before committing troops to the region.

Hollywood has been quick to voice their dissent as well. In a conference call with reporters, Ben Affleck questioned whether the hurricane was even real. "I'm in the movie business," the actor said, "I know how easy it is to get some big sprinklers, turn on some big fans, and make it look like Hurricane Andrew is coming when, in fact, it's a sunny southern California day. I don't know that this thing is even real, it could just be a way for Bush to drum up support during campaign season."

Despite the protests, national guard troops have been mobilized, and already find themselves in a quagmire. "We ran into a problem as soon as we got here," said Captain James Doohickey of the 24th Wisconsin Cavalry, "We set up signs with directional arrows, pointing refugees towards relief centers, but the roads clogged quickly when the Floridians were apparently incapable of figuring out which way the arrows were pointing without assistance."

As the deployment reaches it's second day, we can only hope our men and women in uniform come home safely and with lots of neat souvenirs from Disney World.