Many small things to discuss in the news. I’m settled in with a fresh, handcrafted Bulldog Root Beer, the finest beverage ever created by man, so I’m good to go despite this awful heat. It’s hot out here tonight in Aztlan, an incomprehensible 73 degrees at 12:45 AM. It’s madness, I tell you. I’m thinking all these natives who have come to reclaim the Aztlan region have somehow influenced the weather to make it resemble the jungle wilds their people once ruled in South America. Well, there’s no relief in sight, so let’s pop the cap on this Bulldog and get to it. (I should note that I mean that in the ‘opening the bottle’ way, and not the traditional ebonics way…no bulldogs were harmed in the making of this entry.)
Hurricane Katrina...what a shame. Always wanted to visit New Orleans, and I don't like swimming. I’m prone to ear infections, and I doubt beignets taste very good soaked with sewer water.
Cindy Sheehan is thoroughly screwy, driven right round the bend by the loss of her son. Sad, but please lady, stop whoring out the names of other people's sons, especially after they've publicly said they don't want you to do it. Pleas such as this, based as they are on reason and decency, will certainly have no effect. The latest news has Al ‘Who’s Tawana Brawley?’ Sharpton and Martin ‘I play the president on TV so that makes me important’ Sheen down there kibitzing with Cindy. My mother told me Joan Baez has been lurking about as well. She hasn’t really worked since Vietnam ended, so I guess she sees this as her last chance at making money off the deaths of good Americans. This whole Sheehan ‘Camp Casey’ situation has me terribly concerned. If someone like Michael Moore or Jane Fonda should show up, I fear it could create some sort of ‘liberal whackjob wormhole’ that pierces the space/time continuum and causes all matter to instantly blink into nothingness. We should send Fred Thompson and Dennis Miller down there just to balance out the insanity and keep the material universe safe.
Green Day wins seven awards on the VMA's on MTV. Wow, I guess MTV was in a hurry to drive those nails into that 'relevance' coffin, now weren't they? I love that it was a shocker to some commentators I've read that they beat out Gwen Stefani. If the world of music video excellence is a battle between Green Day and Gwen Stefani, we really need to call the whole thing off and just replay every year of MTV from the beginning, like one big repeat episode. The music will be just as relative, although most people will wonder why there are so many white people on the channel.
My dear muse and imaginary mentor Dr. Hunter Thompson finally got blasted off from his gigantic gonzo fist last week. Sad to see the old boy go, but he went out as only the Doctor of Journalism could. Were I able to drink, I’d toast a glass of rum, straight up, in his honor.
Fred Phelps and his 'God Hates Fags' clan are now protesting at the funerals of soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan, claiming that these men are dying because God is mad at us for sheltering gays. Ironically enough, I think Fred is on to something...God MUST be mad at us, because Fred Phelps is still alive. I mean, come on...if there was a popular vote on who to kill, I think Phelps would be a prime candidate for the #1 spot, with the only possible competition being that guy who screams YOU'RE KILLING ME LARRY on those damn Sit N Sleep commercials. I say, use a high caliber weapon and have them stand single-file. We could even have Larry do it, just so that obnoxious bastard could be right, for once.
The Sunnis rejected the Iraqi constitution that's just been ratified by their government. One of the reasons is that the constitution bans the reformation of Saddam's Ba'ath party. Yeah, you -really- want that to happen, good plan guys. I know it was your locus of power in the past, but Saddam is future worm food, his days of power are over, and you really, really need to wake up and smell the hummus. Someone needs to sit down with these yahoos and explain the math. You're only 20% of the nation. The other 80% all hate you and want you dead. You sat out of the first national vote and now they own the vast majority of the national government. Sit down, shut up, be very very friendly, and offer cheap goods and services. Otherwise, well, let's just say I really need to invest in a funeral home near Sunni country, because business is going to be booming. It's going to be coffins a go-go, and there won't be much anyone can do to stop it.
The Bulldog is gone and the heat continues. I’m going to hit the shower, use very little hot water, and listen to Art Bell’s show. I think I need to listen to a little quackery and conspiracy lunacy to relax my overtaxed mind.
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